#1 I AM NOT DYING HERE TODAY

May/June 2006

did I tell you Soldier is having major (MAJOR) panic attacks? that's on top of the sleeplessness, nightmares and bursts of anger... he finally went to medical but he has to go through a vetting process -- even though they had previously diagnosed him with PTSD AND an anxiety disorder and offerred him meds in the past which he refused... glad he has me and dad to fall back on...

they don't have a crisis mental health office... unless they're clearly suicidal (in which case you can go to the ER) they make the soldiers go to medical in the morning like they would for a fever, cold or sprained ankle... but frankly, a "sprained brain" ought to have priority here... I worry about the guys who can't call home to talk and to tell them it will be ok! he has to go to medical once a week for three weeks and then he'll get an appointment to see a real doctor who can prescribe meds... you'd think with all the talk about how the Army takes this seriously, that they actually would take it seriously.

He has a Sgt First Class who just keeps telling him to "suck it up and drive through it" -- says all the soldiers back from Iraq have PTSD and you just deal with it... guy also says that if you want to get counseling to go ahead and make those appointments for "Army" time -- but then says, but not on M-W-F 'cause we're on the range (training) and not T-Th 'cause he's got company and battalion and whatever meetings... the guy talks the talk, but has never seen the walk...

when Soldier called me last week (Tuesday) he was in a blind panic and had been for more than 2 hours and was beside himself... having flashbacks to what he imagined it was like when his squad was blown to smitherenes in the IED attack-- they needed DNA to determine for sure who was in the Bradley when it hit the IED...and Soldier knows that and he has had nightmares about it all the time and has since last year... hell -- I'VE had nightmares about it! and he remembers waking up in xxxx and thinking he was going to die that day...

always makes me tear up when I remember him telling me that... and hearing the stories of Soldier screaming for a weapon and screaming at everyone to get out of there 'cause "I'M NOT DYING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE TODAY!! I AM NOT DYING HERE IN THIS FUCKING PLACE TODAY! I AM NOT DYING HERE TODAY!" That's what he and the guys told me he was screaming at the top of his lungs at them... then he and two guys got a SAW gun and started shooting at the hordes coming at them... He was awarded the Army Commendation Medal (with a "V" device -- for valor under fire) and is credited with 13 enemy kills that day -- terrorists storming the building and shooting at them from roof tops across the way -- Soldier shot and killed 13 of them... he and XXX... who was killed in the IED attack later that year. I'd have f** panic attacks and flashbacks for sure... and besides the stress of getting the apartment and moving in with a girl, it's coming up on the anniversary of his wounding... and all the guys dying... and I think he's just buried all of these things and now they're surfacing...

he's definitely been having a hard time for a long time and it just gets worse as time goes by...