#16 Sometimes Doing the Right Thing Isn't Always the Best Thing

K - Sorry to hear about your friend (has the employee assistance program brought in a grief counselor for the department?). It wouldn't make any difference if he left a note because only people with clear thoughts see suicide as fruitless. People living in twisted logic and intent on it see it as an answer. We all know the adage: a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's tough trying to convince someone so distraught that this day or these 5 days are such a drop in the bucket of time they have and tomorrow or next week they will be better. Believe me, I have done a great deal of talking and thinking about suicide the last few weeks with all that's been going on in Soldier's unit and with him.

Soldier's medications and counseling seem to be helping (FINALLY!) after almost 6 weeks -- and that was in a residential treatment facility -- imagine how hard it must be to cope when you're not thinking right and you feel that you must go to work, see your family, etc. like your friend. It must be tough to juggle all that with all the other things going on in your head.

Soldier has now decided that he wants to stay in the Army but neither Dad nor I think that will happen given how severely he was affected by the PTSD, but who knows? Of course, WE think he should get out, come home, get college and THEN decide what he wants to do. If they let him stay in, there will be another deployment and I'm not sure Soldier or I will make it through that one. But today, he sounds on top of the world. That's maybe 3 days in a row. A new record. Remember that chatty talking-too-fast guy we all know and love? Well, that was him today.

Talking about working out in the gym, getting buff, hoping to stay in the Army, get re-assigned. Of course, if he can't be a ground pounder he doesn't want to stay in and if he can't get out of his current unit, he doesn't want to stay in either. I tell him that it will be the recommendation of his doctor and the Army doc, but right now he thinks he can do his job and is fit for duty. (sigh). He did say, too, that the counseling has helped tremendously to help him sort through his emotions, but more importantly, he has improved his ability to let stuff "go" and has improved his RESPONSES to emotions like feeling sad or angry. I reminded him that feeling this good could also be a product of the meds and that he might have to stay on them for a while. He said he knew and understood, but whatever it takes to make him mentally fit, he's fine with that. I also worry because he has been in a cocoon of sorts being separated from the daily grind and the daily stress and wonder what effect going back would have? Maybe he will continue his counseling and treatment on an out-patient basis before they make him go back to work in an Army unit?? (Well that might be more logic than his Army Division can muster.) Again, this is just 14 days after he wanted nothing to do with anything Army and needed to get out and away as fast as possible... It's a roller coaster (and you know I get sick on the merry-go-round!)

To top it all off, in the course of his treatment, an investigation of wrongdoing by one of his Sgt. was commenced and Soldier is a witness (just one of the many reasons he was depressed and anxious before treatment) so that is causing him some concern. He feels he is being pressured by the other NCOs in his unit not to "rat" on the guy and he feels that his safety is threatened. Right now he's in a civilian facility where he can refuse to see anyone he doesn't wish to see, but if he goes back to the base hospital, he won't have that option.

I know the whole concept of unit cohesion and sticking together and all that... and I understand its function in good order and discipline and in battle... but I can't figure why anyone would want to protect this scumbag Sgt. over the interests of the men he was supposed to lead and protect? The Army needs to purge itself of people like this guy. Gives all soldiers a bad name. There were a number of other witnesses, and Soldier has indicated that he is willing to give testimony, but he's not sure if anyone else will so it might come down to he said/he said. Then again, I am sure the S3 Major leading the investigation isn't necessarily telling Soldier or any of the others what they've got so far. Soldier, of course, thinks he is doing the right thing (and, of course he really is), but as much older adults we also know that sometimes doing the right thing isn't always the best thing for the person. Who knows what happens if the guy isn't found guilty? We have told Soldier to get a lawyer (Army) before he does anything more just so he knows his rights and his options. He thought that was a valuable suggestion (see, I said he was improving.) It's such a nightmare. We'll do whatever we need to protect him and be sure that there are people in the Army looking out for him, too.