And the Story Continues

Soldier has been doing well this week. Is still insistent that he is going to continue his Army service. He even knows the date that they are next likely to deploy again. Today -- after multiple calls himself and a few by his dad and I -- someone from his command came to see him. It seems that Soldier will be discharged back to his unit some time in the next few days (the bottleneck of soldiers having to move from the private facility to the Army Hospital is being bypassed for those soldiers the physicians believe are well enough). Happily, the Sgt. under suspicion of wrongdoing is no longer in the unit.

I'm not particularly happy about Soldier staying in the Army and returning to his Company. I can't believe that the doctor is going to pronounce him fit for duty. I can't believe his command believes he is fit for duty (Yes, he sounds good -- better than he has in many, many months but he still has anger management problems on occasion -- but it took him longer than 6 weeks to get to the point that required hospitalization for PTSD and it must take far longer to heal...) and I understand that command has very little leeway to challenge the physician's pronouncement. Soldier is still on a number of medications and I can't believe that they will allow him to deploy taking all those meds. I have been assured that he will continue his counseling... I wonder if there is a difference between "fit for duty" and "fit to deploy"? (I can only hope.) ok, so it would be a severe blow to Soldier... a double-edged sword.. but I know which side of the blade I prefer.

Mostly, I wish I had a recording of the many conversations from 6, 5, 4 and 3 weeks ago when all he wanted was to get away from all things Army....

and the story continues...

#16 Sometimes Doing the Right Thing Isn't Always the Best Thing

K - Sorry to hear about your friend (has the employee assistance program brought in a grief counselor for the department?). It wouldn't make any difference if he left a note because only people with clear thoughts see suicide as fruitless. People living in twisted logic and intent on it see it as an answer. We all know the adage: a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's tough trying to convince someone so distraught that this day or these 5 days are such a drop in the bucket of time they have and tomorrow or next week they will be better. Believe me, I have done a great deal of talking and thinking about suicide the last few weeks with all that's been going on in Soldier's unit and with him.

Soldier's medications and counseling seem to be helping (FINALLY!) after almost 6 weeks -- and that was in a residential treatment facility -- imagine how hard it must be to cope when you're not thinking right and you feel that you must go to work, see your family, etc. like your friend. It must be tough to juggle all that with all the other things going on in your head.

Soldier has now decided that he wants to stay in the Army but neither Dad nor I think that will happen given how severely he was affected by the PTSD, but who knows? Of course, WE think he should get out, come home, get college and THEN decide what he wants to do. If they let him stay in, there will be another deployment and I'm not sure Soldier or I will make it through that one. But today, he sounds on top of the world. That's maybe 3 days in a row. A new record. Remember that chatty talking-too-fast guy we all know and love? Well, that was him today.

Talking about working out in the gym, getting buff, hoping to stay in the Army, get re-assigned. Of course, if he can't be a ground pounder he doesn't want to stay in and if he can't get out of his current unit, he doesn't want to stay in either. I tell him that it will be the recommendation of his doctor and the Army doc, but right now he thinks he can do his job and is fit for duty. (sigh). He did say, too, that the counseling has helped tremendously to help him sort through his emotions, but more importantly, he has improved his ability to let stuff "go" and has improved his RESPONSES to emotions like feeling sad or angry. I reminded him that feeling this good could also be a product of the meds and that he might have to stay on them for a while. He said he knew and understood, but whatever it takes to make him mentally fit, he's fine with that. I also worry because he has been in a cocoon of sorts being separated from the daily grind and the daily stress and wonder what effect going back would have? Maybe he will continue his counseling and treatment on an out-patient basis before they make him go back to work in an Army unit?? (Well that might be more logic than his Army Division can muster.) Again, this is just 14 days after he wanted nothing to do with anything Army and needed to get out and away as fast as possible... It's a roller coaster (and you know I get sick on the merry-go-round!)

To top it all off, in the course of his treatment, an investigation of wrongdoing by one of his Sgt. was commenced and Soldier is a witness (just one of the many reasons he was depressed and anxious before treatment) so that is causing him some concern. He feels he is being pressured by the other NCOs in his unit not to "rat" on the guy and he feels that his safety is threatened. Right now he's in a civilian facility where he can refuse to see anyone he doesn't wish to see, but if he goes back to the base hospital, he won't have that option.

I know the whole concept of unit cohesion and sticking together and all that... and I understand its function in good order and discipline and in battle... but I can't figure why anyone would want to protect this scumbag Sgt. over the interests of the men he was supposed to lead and protect? The Army needs to purge itself of people like this guy. Gives all soldiers a bad name. There were a number of other witnesses, and Soldier has indicated that he is willing to give testimony, but he's not sure if anyone else will so it might come down to he said/he said. Then again, I am sure the S3 Major leading the investigation isn't necessarily telling Soldier or any of the others what they've got so far. Soldier, of course, thinks he is doing the right thing (and, of course he really is), but as much older adults we also know that sometimes doing the right thing isn't always the best thing for the person. Who knows what happens if the guy isn't found guilty? We have told Soldier to get a lawyer (Army) before he does anything more just so he knows his rights and his options. He thought that was a valuable suggestion (see, I said he was improving.) It's such a nightmare. We'll do whatever we need to protect him and be sure that there are people in the Army looking out for him, too.

#15 He Waffles Day to Day About Staying In or Getting Out

So of course this morning Soldier called and said he's thinking of staying in the Army (the meds must be working today) if he can get out of his current unit... absolutely does not want to stay in that unit as he has no confidence that he could ever trust any of those guys to do their jobs. He certanly has no trust for the leadership... I told him that the doctors only have the power to recommend whether a soldier stays in (fit for duty) or gets out... although they take into account what the soldier wants. Command rarely ever goes against the Army doc's recommendation, but they can't recommend that Soldier be moved to another unit (I don't think).

I suggested that check to see if it's possible for him to get out, get well, get college and then see if he can go back in if that's what he still wants. I reminded him that even if he gets a unit reassignment it will mean another year-long deployment and he suggested a unit thathe knows does shorter (although more frequent) deployments; no use trying to convince him that ANY deployment is stressful, but he doesn't see it that way -- he sees this as his job. I tried to remind him that even those units that have shorter deployments are in the thick of the battle every time and that it was a lot of stress. He said ok, yeah, he has a lot to think about.

He waffles day to day about staying in or getting out. If I thought the last deployment was hard on us, and I worried that the next deployment would be even harder (on us), given the effects we have seen we would probably be completely overwhelmed if he ever deployed again. I'm hoping that even if he decides he wants to stay in that the docs say he can't.

How can these men who have endured so much and who suffer so even consider staying in and going back? Where do we find such men?

#14 So Today We Made Some Calls

Soldier had a very bad start to his weekend and was confined to the safety unit -- where he can't hurt himself or others. His Saturday and Sunday seemed better. He called and asked whether another soldier (a girl) could come live with US when she is discharged because she doesn't have any place else to go. This is the second time he has "adopted" a "stray" soldier and asked if we would let them move in with us. The answer for the second time was "no". How do you tell him we aren't even sure we can handle (gracefully) having our own child come live with us because he has such problems and we have never cared for someone who has mental health problems and his seem pretty severe right now. We could never imagine him going anywhere else, and of course, we will do whatever we need to do to help our son. We tell him to worry about himself. But it shows what a big heart he has... and how much he thinks of us as good parents, I suppose -- that he would bring other soldiers in distress here under our wing. More than we can handle at our ages, I'm afraid (we're much older than other parents of 21 year olds... he is our youngest child -- with 12 years between him and the oldest.)

We called a patient representative at the base hospital today to draw their attention to the fact that this Soldier is getting WORSE not better. What I thought was going to be a "blow me off" telephone conversation actually turned into a series of in-depth discussions of treatment options, what the Army should be doing, what's not been done by either the Army or the private facility. In fact, the Officer -- who from the start had been both courteous and respectful -- had a very fast uptic in attitude the instant he found out that I was not just someone's crybaby momma calling about one of the Basic training recruits that had wilted under the strain of basic training, but that I was the mother of a Soldier who was not only a combat vet, but a wounded vet in the unit that had more deaths than any other during their rotation through Iraq... and that I was only calling after 5 weeks of ineffective treatment.

It probably also helped some that this officer was also a clinician and that I had found the DoD/VA Medical Guidelines for the treatment of PTSD and the DoD Iraq War Clinician's Guide by the National Center for PTSD (yes, both manuals can be found out on the wonderful internet). I stayed up late all weekend reading all about the various methods of treatment and the evaluations of what works most often and what doesn't, including the preferred medications and psychotherapy options.

What is just f*** unbelievable to me and should be a cause for concern is that this hospital -- at a MAJOR Army base in the US -- that has sent its soldiers to Afghanistan once and to Iraq TWICE and will again in the New Year -- the Army Hospital HAS LESS THAN 15 BEDS IN THE PSYCHIATRIC UNIT. That's right... less than 15 beds for an Army base of almost 40,000 active duty Army and an additional 100,000 family and civilian support has just 15 beds for psych patients. Unf***believable! No wonder they have to use a civilian facility. When I asked whether the new budget would help ease that, he said he could find another 30 beds pretty readily but there was no budget to hire staff for those beds!!!

Does the Army think the PTSD is going to go away or not recur the next deployment that they won' need the beds and staff in the future? Is this the way the Army HIDES its problems with PTSD -- by showing just 15 beds and staff at the Army hospital but then have a "consultant" slush budget category somewhere for the soldiers warehoused OFF the base??

Dad called and talked to someone in the battalion command to ask that Soldier receive the assistance with his personal affairs that his unit had promised both Soldier and again to me when I traveled cross-country to see Soldier. Everyone seemed concerned and angry that Soldier had not gotten the help and promised to investigate that further. So we stirred the pot and we'll give it a few days to see if they are good to their word.

I was thinking today that we could not have imagined how long a journey this would be when the Army called us so many months ago to tell us he had been wounded... How relieved we were when his injuries healed and he returned to his unit... We thought that the hard part was over. We could not have imagined that those were just the first steps in this nightmare of a very long journey.

#13 Loves Being a Soldier... Just Not Right Now

Soldier been having a really bad week... lots going on...

I spoke with his counselor (therapist) today... called his MD but didn't get a return call. we're going to start calling Army people in the next day or two... and on Monday. Time to rattle a few cages... if nothing else than to get US answers to what the hell they're doing for Soldier who seems way worse the longer they keep him there. and he's been there over a month -- going on 5 weeks...

of course, it's hard to say whether Soldier is actually helping himself or hurting himself... his attitude sux... says the place is making him nuts and he wants to get back to an Army facility but no one can tell us or him why he's still at the civilian place and what the criteria is -- or IF there is even a criteria -- for getting him out of this facility that doesn't seem to be helping him...
one of his chief complaints is pure boredom... 23 hours a day of doing NOTHING is MAKING him crazy... or crazier, not sure which. I keep telling him that he is in a place for crazy people and if he keeps doing and saying crazy things, then they will never let him out... he thinks if they would just let him get on with his life, he will be fine... (SIGH).

he feels he's being held prisoner (mostly true) and that he has been abandoned in this warehouse (mostly true) and no one is helping him (can't say if that's true or not but he certainly isn't any better.) they have changed his meds 3 times and when Soldier complains that he doesn't feel better, rather than giving him more counseling, they just change his meds... and it doesn't help that except for one or two of his friends, NOT A SINGLE SOUL FROM HIS COMMAND has been to see him or any of the other soldiers at this facility...

apparently, the 22 regular active Army guys each called the battalion office to complain last week and the Command Sgt Major actually visited the facility this week and told the soldiers that he was exceptionally angry about this and would do something to see that the problem was fixed... from what I've seen of the Army over these past 4+ weeks, it's all talk... if you asked me again, I would never allow a son to join. I rue the day I didn't just forbid my son from joining. he might not have been happy about it at the time, but my son would still be able to laugh and smile... something I have not seen him do since he went to Iraq. the Army DOES NOT take care of its soldiers (at least not in this Division).

Although the Army was all he ever talked about doing his whole life, he says now that he needs to get away from all things Army... says he loves to wear the uniform... that he loves what the Army does... what HE did... loves being a soldier, just not right now.

#12 Soldier has had a set back

well, Soldier has had a set back... he says 2-3 days of feeling ok is all he can manage at the moment... he's frustrated, can't understand why he just can't "make it better"... I think he's coming to accept that it will be a long process.

sending things around the holidays is a very thoughtful idea... not sure what they allow (they are very strict), but I can check with the facility and see what's permitted. a lot of the guys (like Soldier) don't have family in the area to bring them things so I'm sure they'd love whatever was done...

Soldier is beside himself... he seems so much worse now -- even before he went in... no one at the facility can tell him how long he'll be there... lots of other soldiers seem to be getting pulled back to [fort], but Soldier is still there. he says his thoughts are getting darker and darker... he says he rarely sees the therapist... the doctor aks him "the three questions" every morning -- do you want to hurt yourself? do you want to hurt someone else? how are you feeling" and boom you're out the door. they changed his meds AGAIN. I don't think this guy is keeping him on any medications long enough to have a clinical effect. I can't be sure this guy knows what he's doing. and to make it worse, the guy is a new immigrant and has such a thick accent the Soldier can barely understand a word he's saying (and with the hearing loss Soldier sufferred in Iraq, he has a hard time catching all the properly spoken English words).

I can hear the frustration building in Soldier. he wants to get back to [fort], have conversations with ARMY people and find out what's going on. he would also prefer being treated by Army docs.

#11 He sounded... almost normal

Had a fairly pleasant call from Soldier. He was calm and measured and he didn't yell at me once or even raise his voice (it's been a while). He says even with the Ambien and Lunesta he's not sleeping at night all the time... Good nights and bad nights. He's working out in the gym at the hospital every day and has gained back 15 pounds he'd lost. He says he's feeling better.

He's still waffling with respect to whether he stays in the Army or gets out, but he's pretty sure if he's got an option to get out, he'll leave and make a start here. He says he thinks he could stay in the Army, but if he went back to Iraq he doesn't think he'd make it very long before he lost it. Just the thought he says that he might snap in battle and get himself or his squad killed keeps him awake with that nightmare.

He had been thinking about going back to [STATE] and applying for the PD, but he has come to realize that the logistics of moving back there (the expense, finding a decent paying job until he could get on the PD... IF he c/ get on the PD, finding affordable housing, etc.) was more than he could manage. He knows he has a place where he won't have to pay rent while he gets established, there's a VA medical center fairly close, lots of jobs (he'd like to get back to landscaping or work on a ranch) while he considers his options and there's two colleges locally he's interested in -- one that offers veterans free refresher classes in math, english, etc. 'cause they know vets have been out of the "school mode" for a while. He says he'd like that. And no pressure while he figures out where his life is going. So that's the plan today. But tomorrow is Monday and that usually means there's a new plan. It's been a long time since we've had any of our kids at home, so it will be a big adjustment for all of us.

His Sgt. still has not done what he said -- which was that he'd get Soldier's lease cancelled and move his stuff to a safe place. If the Sgt hasn't done it by Tuesday, Dad is getting on the phone with the Lt or the Capt. The Sgt will not be happy about that. I'm telling you, if I ever meet this Sgt again in a dark alley, no amount of military training will save his a$$. It's stress Soldier doesn't need... and he s/b focused on his health and not the apartment and what's happening to his possessions. And still NO ONE from his unit (other than a few close friends... but certainly no one from command) has been to see him in FOUR WEEKS. Yeah. So much for that Band of Brothers thing. He feels absolutely abandoned and hopeless about that. Being away from the guys in his unit is one more stress he doesn't need. And he wants someone from the Army to come by just so he can get some answers to his questions. Says a lot of the guys feel the same. Why has the Army abandoned these guys? Sounds like the old "warehousing" of patients to me.

One good day. that's 26 bad and 2 good. But it's a start. I will sleep a little better tonight. He sounded... almost normal.

#10 Researching PTSD

I have been researching PTSD (especially war-related) and there's so much information out there -- not a lot of it encouraging. It seems to me that it will be like an alcoholic -- they learn to live with it, they fight it, but it is always a part of them. I have a girlfriend here who is a counselor (MSW) who has given me one of her reference books... this one on a new PTSD therapy called "guided imagery". on the theory that traumatic events bypass the language portion of the brain and are recorded in the visual area of the brain and that talking makes things worse, but bringing someone from "bad" images through to "good" images allows patients to deal systematically and visually with the trauma...

as with anything that is more art than science, there are many different forms of treatment -- some quackery and some hard science and some forms work for some and not for others. One of the things that differentiates war-related PTSD from other forms of it is that they typically don't have the portion where they blame themselves for the trauma inflicted on them -- but carry much greater levels of survivor guilt and "inertia regret" (that they couldn't be there to save someone or to stop a bomb or a bullet to save someone else not themselves... and there is a whole 'nother "blame structure" (i.e., the chain of command) that is involved in their thinking (why didn't we have more troops, why didn't we have that weapon or ammo or whatever). It's so complicated.

#9 Mind numbing boredom has set in

I spoke with him frequently over the weekend, but haven't heard from him in a few days... they had changed his anti-depressant middle of last week and I thought he sounded better (mood wise) over the weekend... I keep encouraging him to work diligently with his counselors -- I think he might be too much a part of the "pop a pill and make me well" mindset -- and he's not particularly comfortable talking to strangers (he'd spill his guts to his buds back home if only they could help him!)

He still hasn't heard from ANYONE in his command -- 3 weeks in this place -- so he doesn't know what the future holds or even his options... one day he's certain he wants to get out, the next he might just be able to get a unit re-assignment (to what I'm not sure). He says he will remain there at least another 7-10 days maybe 2 weeks... no one can tell him anything -- especially since it's a civilian facility... and his understanding is that you can't complete your residential treatment until you've seen an Army doc... the Army apparently calls over to the facility and says, "we want Smith, Jones & Murphy" and they go to the Army hospital... and some guys have been waiting 6 weeks to get to the base facility so a doc can examine them, make a pronouncement and discharge them or not.

Soldier was going a little stir crazy over the weekend... there is one TV in the whole place and the majority opted to watch 10 college FB games Saturday and then 4 or 5 pro games Sunday... Soldier likes FB... just not in such concentrations... and they are not permitted anything else -- no music (CD players, mp3 players, video games, etc.) can all be broken and used as weapons or whatever... no pens (potential weapons)... they get a cigarette break a few times a day (not enough staff to supervise them outside more frequently)... mind numbing boredom has set in. and is definitelt affecting his mood.

after these 3 weeks in that place he actually seems to be getting WORSE not better. how is that possible?

#8 His life can not move forward

Soldier called yesterday and he is frustrated with being there... doesn't feel any better (he says) than when he got there... one of his sgt's came by (not THE sgt.... just A sgt) and Soldier felt like he was being accused of being a malingerer and using this as an excuse to get out of the Army, etc. which didn't help his mood any... I don't think many of them understand that the Army was going to be his ife... his career... it's about the only thing he has ever wanted to do... it's what makes this all that much harder on him... and it's not like he just got there -- he's been in 3 years (would have made Sgt. in 3 years) and was doing great until this.

and he has some complaints about the staff (not the docs, but nurses & orderlies) but he refused to say what pissed him off... he's mostly frustrated by the fact that his life can not move forward at all until he can be seen by an Army doc at the hospital on base...and that can't happen until there is a bed available there and that is an open-ended equation... some guys at his facility have been there 6 weeks waiting to be seen by an Army doc... so Soldier got our senators' phone numbers (and our congressman)...

anyway, not much we can do to help him... we will start rattling cages when he has been there a while but we told Soldier that he needs to be honest with his doc and therapist -- if he's not feeling any better he might just need more time to let the meds work or they can change his meds... which just makes him more pissy at me. I certainly don't get any indication that he's ready to live on the "outside" just yet... but I'm no doc... but he does seem worse in some respects.

did research on the seroquel and the depakote they have him on... both are used to treat bipolar and other manic disorders... which at first got me a little nuts because Soldier is certainly not bipolar... but then read some articles that the treatment for severe PTSD and bipolar is the same except that in bipolar they don't prescribe antidepressants (seems they tend to make bipolar worse)... and I couldn't find much on the head injury contraindications, but I'm going to keep looking today...

#7 The short-tempered thing is hard to take sometimes

Soldier called yesterday... he was his angry old self... the short-tempered thing is hard to take sometimes... they have him on 3 or 4 meds... zoloft, depakote, seroquel, and ambien at night... I'm not sure why they have him on an anti-seizure medication especially when the warnings say not to give one of them if you've had a head injury... and of course Soldier had a number of brain-rattling experiences with IEDs, etc. he says he survived 22 IED explosions with headaches, deafness, bloody noses... until the 23rd IED sent him home... but he called to ask me to send him the catalog from the local college... he says he has a list of things he wants to do with his life and the Army isn't on it (whew)... that will be a whole new identity...

#6 Sat in his apartment contemplating his rifle

I spoke with his Sgt. while I was there and he just gave me the "party line" -- we take this seriously, lots of opportunities for counseling... only when I talked to the guys in his company, they tell me that these NCOs talk the talk but got no walk to go with it -- "you can go to counseling any time, just make sure it's not M-W-F when I have meetings or T-Th when we have training... "

or the standard response when you tell him your head is fucked up and you think you need to talk with someone, "everyone's got PTSD... just suck it up and drive on". I'd rattle his cage by going higher up, but for right now the guy has promised to handle some things for Soldier... but to tell you what an ass he is -- Soldier has been in the hospital 10 days AND HE HASN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM ONCE and he won't answer Soldier's phone calls.

and he apparently discourages the platoon from visiting as well 'cause he wants these guys (in the Sgt's words) to realize how serious this is and that they (the soldier with PTSD) are now "out there". I could have reached across the desk and snapped his neck with a flick of my hand at that... and to make the whole situation totally complete, Soldier's girlfriend moved out and has moved on to the next guy...

as a parent I am beside myself with worry. to imagine that your child sat in his apartment contemplating his rifle is more than my heart can bear... and to know that he has been suffering in (relative) silence and that his pleas for help -- from the people who said they would always be there for him -- were ignored and minimized makes ME want to shoot someone. all we can do now is wait and see what the Army decides. He will come here to live with us if the Army discharges him... we have a great VA hospital with a counseling center not too far from here... and he can go to school, get a job... do what he needs to do to get his life (and sanity) back. But it's breaking his heart since the Army was going to be his career...

If he had just gotten the treatment when he was diagnosed 10 months ago, it w/ never have come to this crisis. Soldier says there are many more guys suffering but not getting treatment 'cause they don't want to leave the Army... he said some are now drinking for hours every night and others are "cutters" (into self-mutilation)... most of those that were married are in danger of divorce... it's a mess.

Considering that when Soldier first went to be evaluated for this most recent crisis (back in May/June), the first thing the evaluator said was, "you know if you come in for this treatment, your Army days are over." yeah, that's it. choose the Army or your sanity. so much for the "there is no retaliation if you seek treatment".

I asked Soldier about the pre-deployment and post-deployment screening... he says it's so easy to beat... everyone knows what the answers have to be to avoid getting labeled and being made to undergo counseling that they don't want... he says he never got asked the second set of questions because he came home wounded... he says he was screened when he was in the hospital in Germany and was given a PTSD/anger management anxiety disorder diagnosis... but counseling is voluntary... not mandatory. wonder why that is?

#5 They treat wife beaters better than the guys treated for severe PTSD

Got home from my week at [Fort] late Wednesday. I visited Soldier the one hour allowed per day (yes, one hour) and during the other hours handled his personal business (paid his bills for him, talked to his Sgt., secured his apartment, etc.) Soldier didn't call yesterday, but they have very limited times that they can use the phones. They have him on 4 different medications... he felt he still wasn't sleeping well even with the medication. Still having nightmares and anxiety attacks. They have been adjusting his meds to his complaints, so we'll see.

On Tuesday (one week into his stay) he seemed to be not so depressed or angry and we had a pleasant visit. He says he will be in the hospital at least another week, maybe two... no one can say for sure... and no one can tell him or us exactly what will happen after that. He could be medically discharged from the Army or he could be returned to duty in his unit or to another unit. It will all depend on how his treatment goes and what Soldier wishes to do and what the Army says. I guess only time will tell.

I wasn't impressed with either the psychiatrist or the Case Manager / Therapist, but Soldier says the group counselor is good and he seemed to like him. Don't know if the group counselor is a vet, but neither the MD nor the therapist has ever even been in the military let alone battle -- but they tell me they have "lots of training in PTSD" (and yes, the "lowest bidder" angle did cross my mind). There are 20 - 25 maybe more soldiers in this civilian facility -- which is a private facility off the base which the Army uses as "overflow" since the psychiatric floor (the whole floor!) of the Army hospital at [Fort] is filled to capacity and apparently is all the time.

About 1/2 of the soldiers at this facility are "washes" from Basic Training and the other 1/2 are OIF vets... 4 or 5 are from Soldier's company with 3 being from his platoon (that would be 3 of 20... 15%). Even if they decide to discharge Soldier from the Army, it will take a few months to process... and in the meantime he would "ride a desk" and be an outcast... Soldier says they treat wife beaters better than the guys treated for severe PTSD... I say it's a failure of the leadership in Soldier's platoon and company... "suck it up and drive through it".. I'd like to drive through that f** Sgt.

I'll keep you up to date when there's a change.

4A At the Fort

I'm at [Fort]... Soldier was admitted to xxxxx for treatment of his PTSD... seems he was diagnosed and recommended for treatment 9-10 months ago but somehow the diagnosis and recommendation were either overlooked or ignored... and his depression and anxiety have gotten so bad in the 15 WEEKS he has been waiting for his appointment with a doc... and of course the a$$hat of a SFC he works for kept telling him to "suck it up and drive on" whenever Soldier told him he was messed up and thought he needed to see someone...

and in the 5 days that he has been in this facility (as usual the psych unit at Army Hospital is overfilled and so there are 25-30 soldiers at this private clinic off base... at $1000 per day per soldier you'd think they'd put the money into a new facility at [fort] especially if they are going to continue to send young men to war...)

in the 5 days he has been in the facility, NOT ONE OF HIS NCO's has been to see him... and when he asked his SFC -- who he works for directly -- on the day he was admitted if he would go by his apartment to get him some civilian clothes (he was in his ACUs and uniforms and rank insignia are not allowed) his SFC told him IT WAS TOO INCONVENIENT... so much for that "band of brothers" thing... in addition to Soldier telling his SFC that he REALLY needed help, there were apparently suicide attempts by 3 other soldiers in Soldier's unit in the last 10 days... Soldier was only thinking about it...

frankly, I'm beginning to believe that the Army is doing a damn fine job of sweeping this under the rug and doing all that it can to deny that there is a problem... I spoke with both Soldier's Dr (an MD) and his counselor (a doctorate in psychology)... NEITHER have ever been in the military and NEITHER have ever been in battle... but they tell me they have "lots of training" in treating PTSD... so they say stupid shit like "focus on the positive things" that happened in Iraq and don't focus on the deaths (like there there WERE good things in Ramadi???) and they say stuff like "you might be bipolar" -- like there might have been some symptoms of that BEFORE he got his a$$ shot up and all his friends blown to bits??? or asking him "are you a substance abuser?" there seems to be no convincing these a$$hats that he was a perfectly normal, happy-go-lucky 19 year old BEFORE he went to Iraq... and he was a good soldier who did his job well (well enough that if he weren't hospitalized, he would have made E-5 BEFORE his 3 yr mark!)

I can't seem to find anyone who can tell me what the treatment standards are? when I asked whether these guys are ever cured, the counselor told me that they just help the guys "live with it" -- I presume he means with drugs -- Soldier is already on 3... and I agree that's probably what's necessary in the short term, but doesn't seem to be a plan to ever get these guys OFF the meds...

and what's the difference between "medically retired" and "medically discharged"? I don't know whether this is what will happen, but the civilian doctors keep bantering these terms around... and frankly, the first thing the Army evaluator told Soldier at the ARMY clinic was that his military career would be over if he sought help... and this is how they encourage guys to get help??? they have to choose the Army or their sanity??? f** that.

also, is there someone I should be speaking with at [fort] -- do they have a soldier or patient advocate? I want to be sure his benefits are protected and that he isn't railroaded into some decision or course of treatment that's inappropriate... and I know it's the Army, but this is my 21 yr old son... as I told the doctor, I just want to see my son smile again. He asked, when was the last time you saw him smile? I said, before he went to Iraq. The thought that he could be depressed or have these nightmares for the next 70 years weighs on me.

I'm in [xxxxx] until at least Wednesday but could be longer depending on what's happening with Soldier... been here since this last Wednesday...

#4 Soldier was admitted to the hospital

Soldier called. He was admitted to the hospital at [Fort] this morning... He asked for me to come and his doctor said that would be fine. Soldier says he'll be there at least a few weeks. I am headed out on an 8:00AM flight tomorrow morning (will get me into [Fort] 5:30PM. scheduled to return 9/6. but who knows. I'll have Soldier's car and will be staying at his apartment. Dad will be here with dogs, cats and company.

#3 If that's what he's hanging onto at the moment, fine.

Soldier having another crisis... depressed, having suicidal thoughts, panic attacks are almost constant... his girlfriend bolted to add to his misery... he agreed to take his shotgun to a neighbor's apartment...

he's staying at his Sgt's tonight last I heard.. Soldier had spoken with the girlfriend and they have agreed to take a step back and see where they go from here. Soldier SAYS he's ok with whatever happens in their relationship... that they need more time to be best friends before they move on again in the relationship... that all he wants is girlfriend to be happy and if that means they're not together, he can live with that... but I hear the words, just not sure he truly believes that -- but if that's what he's hanging onto at the moment, fine.

He was going to Sgt's to do a lot more talking and Sgt was going to assess what care Soldier needed (why a 30-something Sgt gets to make that call is beyond me) and if he thought Soldier needed to get to medical today, he'd arrange that, otherwise he'll make sure Soldier gets in to see the doc tomorrow. Soldier will stay with Sgt at least tonight... not sure what happens tomorrow. Sgt is also going to go to bat for Soldier to TRY to get him a housing allowance (since one of Soldier's greatest pressures is financial) but no promises... he's not eligible until he's an E-5 and he's an E-4... but they are pulling his "promotion package" because Soldier has enough pressure on him without trying to go before the promotion board (which of course w/ get him his E-5... but mentally, he can't handle any more on his plate).

He also may get a 4 day pass to come here for a little R&R and family time. my guess is that Soldier needs to sleep, eat and talk... and maybe just sleep & eat & play... I'll be sure he plays (take him horse riding, hiking in the hills, maybe fishing on the lake, He sounded like he wanted the time here... or maybe just the time away...

if I don't think he's getting the right care, Dad and I say it will be time to start rattling some cages... I've had enough of these phone calls to last me a lifetime...

#2 I'd like to know the rules here (it's the Army -- there must be rules....)

Hey... Looking for a little help and info if you can help...

Soldier went to medical 6 weeks ago and has been waiting 6 weeks to see a doc for counseling and meds - and has another 4 weeks to wait -- they say that's the first available appt! His NCOs have been no real help -- just sent him to medical and then it's "oh, well..." I cannot believe that there is no crisis mental health services available unless you are suicidal!!?? (he's not... at the moment anyway).

Not sure if there's just not enough effort being put into this or [Fort] is just swamped with guys back from Iraq?? We have told him we will pay for him to receive private care, but Soldier says he can't use anyone but Army medical. I have had it up to here at the moment with the whole Army PR campaign about how they take PTSD seriously... how soldiers can get all the help they need... it's a priority for the Army... all kinds of new programs... seems to me it's a load of crap... I can't seem to find anywhere what the process is for a soldier to get help, what soldiers are "entitled" to for treatment, etc. Can you give me a primer or point me in the right direction??

We have offered to call his CO, the medical office... or rattle some really big cages (like our Senator) but Soldier says his NCOs will crucify him if any pressure comes from outside the chain of command... and he's trying to be adult and do this on his own.

I am so pissed off at the moment that this young kid (MY kid!) who has done everything his Army and his country have asked of him -- and then some -- is suffering so badly and can't seem to get the treatment he needs (and deserves!!)

Can you check with your husband and see what the "protocol" is... and if there's something else Soldier s/b doing to get treatment? We're trying to accede to Soldier's wishes... monitor the situation and "be there" when he calls when he's having a really bad day -- like today (tough sitting on my hands LOL) but I'd like to know the rules here (it's the Army -- there must be rules....)

#1 I AM NOT DYING HERE TODAY

May/June 2006

did I tell you Soldier is having major (MAJOR) panic attacks? that's on top of the sleeplessness, nightmares and bursts of anger... he finally went to medical but he has to go through a vetting process -- even though they had previously diagnosed him with PTSD AND an anxiety disorder and offerred him meds in the past which he refused... glad he has me and dad to fall back on...

they don't have a crisis mental health office... unless they're clearly suicidal (in which case you can go to the ER) they make the soldiers go to medical in the morning like they would for a fever, cold or sprained ankle... but frankly, a "sprained brain" ought to have priority here... I worry about the guys who can't call home to talk and to tell them it will be ok! he has to go to medical once a week for three weeks and then he'll get an appointment to see a real doctor who can prescribe meds... you'd think with all the talk about how the Army takes this seriously, that they actually would take it seriously.

He has a Sgt First Class who just keeps telling him to "suck it up and drive through it" -- says all the soldiers back from Iraq have PTSD and you just deal with it... guy also says that if you want to get counseling to go ahead and make those appointments for "Army" time -- but then says, but not on M-W-F 'cause we're on the range (training) and not T-Th 'cause he's got company and battalion and whatever meetings... the guy talks the talk, but has never seen the walk...

when Soldier called me last week (Tuesday) he was in a blind panic and had been for more than 2 hours and was beside himself... having flashbacks to what he imagined it was like when his squad was blown to smitherenes in the IED attack-- they needed DNA to determine for sure who was in the Bradley when it hit the IED...and Soldier knows that and he has had nightmares about it all the time and has since last year... hell -- I'VE had nightmares about it! and he remembers waking up in xxxx and thinking he was going to die that day...

always makes me tear up when I remember him telling me that... and hearing the stories of Soldier screaming for a weapon and screaming at everyone to get out of there 'cause "I'M NOT DYING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE TODAY!! I AM NOT DYING HERE IN THIS FUCKING PLACE TODAY! I AM NOT DYING HERE TODAY!" That's what he and the guys told me he was screaming at the top of his lungs at them... then he and two guys got a SAW gun and started shooting at the hordes coming at them... He was awarded the Army Commendation Medal (with a "V" device -- for valor under fire) and is credited with 13 enemy kills that day -- terrorists storming the building and shooting at them from roof tops across the way -- Soldier shot and killed 13 of them... he and XXX... who was killed in the IED attack later that year. I'd have f** panic attacks and flashbacks for sure... and besides the stress of getting the apartment and moving in with a girl, it's coming up on the anniversary of his wounding... and all the guys dying... and I think he's just buried all of these things and now they're surfacing...

he's definitely been having a hard time for a long time and it just gets worse as time goes by...